I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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