his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
