I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My nipple is on Facebook.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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