im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
