found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
