the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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