dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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