Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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