Old men and throwing up are my life now.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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