ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
