There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
