you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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