Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize