can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
