its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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