My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
