I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
