Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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