i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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