Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
