your parents love me but you hate me
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He passed out mid-signature
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
