I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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