Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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