I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i drank out of a bidet.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
