I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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