My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
