Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
