I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
