Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
