is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize