Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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