My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
