so explain again why im purple
no
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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