One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
