Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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