Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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