she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
