He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Boobs speak an international language.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
