just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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