you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
my poor anus
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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