What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
