We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
