Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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