Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
