Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
