my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
