i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
