He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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