Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
