How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
