its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
