anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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