it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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