this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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